I am starting this blog basically to give my thoughts and feelings somewhere to go. I don't even care if no one ever reads it.

I was face book surfing today, and came upon a story of a girl who just passed away. This girl was exactly my age, and she had been suffering from brain tumors since she was 14. I was blown away as I read the story of this girls life, what an amazingly happy and optimistic view she had on the world, and her life. The whole time I was reading about this girl, and her amazing struggle with cancer, the thought kept coming to me "why is it that I struggle with my self, and my happiness, when this beautiful girl who is terminally ill can find joy?" It really made me feel guilty for the way I have been living my life. Now I know that everyone has their own set of struggles in life, but it put things into perspective for me, that someone who was facing a death sentence found such great happiness, and here I am sulking around, still in my PJ's, with dishes piled in the sink, and laundry up to my eye balls. What is so wrong with my life that makes me want to give up some days? Why is it that some days all I feel like doing is eating the contents of my fridge while watching "biggest looser" re-runs? Somewhere along the way I think I forgot about myself. Forgot that I am a person...not just someone to clean up fruit loops off the ceiling, or someone to make sure dinner gets on the table... I think I need to re-invent my self as me...don't get me wrong, I love being a wife and mother, but I think I need to take a step back and find out what exactly makes me happy. What are my interests and hobbies? What are my goals ( it took me this long to figure out that my goals didn't end when I got married and had a family) those were my goals for so long... get married, have kids, a house, a job... so what comes next? I'm not quite sure yet, but I am trying to figure it out. I feel like I have lost what made me me, and now I need to figure that out again. What happened to that girl who loved photography, and ballroom dancing, the girl who loved life, and who was so excited for the future? Well I think she is still in here somewhere... at least I hope so. I think so many stay at home moms end up loosing themselves in the shuffle of life, and I refuse to go along with that anymore. Most of my days start out the same... wake up, make breakfast, change diapers, clean the kitchen, change more diapers, maybe some laundry, lunch, clean the kitchen again, nap time... (shower time), run errands, chase around my toddler, get dinner ready, clean the kitchen once again, and finally bed time. By the end of the day I feel more like the hired help than a mom. I think that one of my problems is that all of my worth as a person is wrapped up in my daily duties, so when dinner time rolls around, and all I have accomplished is a couple of loads of laundry I feel like a failure. You know that "supper mom" who lives up the street? The one who always has an immaculate home, who runs marathons, and who doesn't have weeds as tall as her back yard fence? Well that "supper mom" image was what I thought my life would be like. I thought my life would be like a scene from "leave it to beaver", or "the Brady bunch," when in reality its more like and episode of "the Simpson's"... minus the drinking husband part! I now know I had an unrealistic expectation of life as a stay at home mom, and for the longest time I felt like I was failing because I wasn't the "supper mom" I thought I should be. After quite some time I am finally realizing that all I really want to be is happy, and raise a happy family. Who really cares if everything is always in its place, or if we have 3 course gourmet dinners every night... sometimes hamburger helper is just fine!! I have put myself on the back burner for so long, that it is going to be weird to start doing things differently.

First things first I need to get everything in order... my mental, physical, and spiritual self needs a re-alignment. I am going to start praying more, exercising more, and eating less! (no more ice cream pity parties for me!) I think I might also take a class... something that excites me. And as for my goals... I want to live everyday to the fullest (quit sulking around wondering why I have it so bad) I want to actually run a marathon (not just watch supper mom go jogging every day!) I also want to go back to school... culinary arts I think...

Well I guess that is a good start! At least I have an idea of what to work on. Like I said I don't really care if anyone ever reads this... its mostly just for me, to get my thoughts in order.